Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Beast!

October 17, 2007 - Wednesday

The beast
Current mood: stressed

The night is peaceful
The dark blue comforter of night wrapped around me folding me in its warmth and security

Then it comes, like the lone ominous dreadful wail of a far away - yet rapidly approaching - locomotive.

I wake. My body is limp, eager to slip back into the warm waters of sleep, but I know it can not be. That moment, that split second before the dread sets in... what a majical instant! Every muscle feeling the exuberant surrender akin to post-exercise exhaustion... that wonderful glorious feeling of no tension... well rested and fully relaxed. But the train's howl in my head tells me that in a few minutes the blissful sensation will be nothing but a memory. The Beast is coming!

It's a long dark tunnel, far too long to escape. The Beast is out there... in the tunnel with me... careening towards me... I can not see it, but I feel it. The subtle rumbling of the earth under my bare feet... that haunting sensation under the right temple... I KNOW it's coming and there's nothing to stop it. It will be no different than before... the train will rip away the side of my skull, bathing my face and head in sheer agony. There will be no stopping it... there never is.

When it hits, I will stagger like a drunkard, squinting my one good eye... the other eye lost upon impact... my feet will cross, waver, and I will stop to right myself only to repeat with the next step. I will reach up to my injured head expecting to feel blood and brain matter, shocked that skull, skin, and hair are still fully intact.

Defensive thoughts race through a brain that is the very source of the agony to begin with.
Tug out the hair! Maybe the pain can be withdrawn with the folicles! Punch the head! With this much pain there shouldn't be any skull there, anyway! Grab and pinch the nape of the neck, is it possible to strangle the brain? Breath! The train will pass... it always does! The wail is now filling my mind and echoing off of the walls of my skull. Did I scream, or was it the Beast? God! Get me through this! Just get me to the other side!

Such a wimp! It's only a headache! Why are you kneeling? Rocking back and forth like a little girl with skinned knees. You're disrupting those around you... you're worrying them. Stop making such a fuss! Step away at least... into the next room... it's bad enough you're letting it show.

But the train continues to rip away the side of my head. The cold steel cattle-catcher has just sliced itself through the temple and gray matter and into the back of my eyeball. Its triangle form is splitting bone left from right. Such freezing cold steel! The sensation of aluminum stripped between clenched teeth. Just get it over with would you? The rest of my body is so blissfully disassociative... hands, legs, arms, feet... not an ounce of pain or discomfort - except the uneasy stomach from the tenth Excedrin today... it doesn't appreciate that... quite an annoyance really. But like the tranquil neighbor that doesn't hear the family being slaughtered next door... the body doesn't have a clue what's going on upstairs.

Press the palm of the hand into your bad eye! Maybe you can shove the eyeball back into the train ... push the train out the hole it tore into your head! Caress your fingers through your hair... you know it's the only thing that works. Don't touch the scalp!!!! You idiot! You know that sets off a firestorm on the surface! I don't care if your hand is quivering! Be more careful damn you!

The wail is fading... or is it? Can't get too hopeful, it might give a parting jab or two. Oh! Thank God! The Excedrin is kicking in! Like foam wafting to cover a fire. Oh! The fire won't be gone for an hour or so.... but the train will be gone. It will have passed. It will go somewhere, refuel its tenders and align itself at the entrance of the cave again... ready to pounce at full steam later today. I can deal with the triage... I can mend the wounds... THAT I can handle.

Until next time.

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